a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
