I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
