i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
