Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
