Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
