the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
