I hate your face
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
