your parents love me but you hate me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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