We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
