If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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