I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
