How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
