I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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