my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
