Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
