his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
