Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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