she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
