I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
