just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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