you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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