take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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