she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
