For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
