This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
