Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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