I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
