sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
