did you get engaged???
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
