The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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