I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
