im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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