Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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