Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Vodka?
Forever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
