what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
