lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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