My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
