it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
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