Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
