no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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