Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
