so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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