My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize