ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
