Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
