If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
