you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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