she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
