We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
