do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
