Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
