I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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