You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
