Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The power of my boobs compel you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
