you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
