Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
