Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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