there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
