I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
