so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
